I'm a nocturnal, insecure, self-deprecating mental midget whose brain is (I like to think) so huge, it actually gets in the way of me thinking as a rational and productive human being.
If you asked me to describe myself just 24 hours ago, I might have said I'm an ambitious, blithesome, motivated go-getter who is capable of anything I put my mind to.
Enter yesterday's long run.
Up until now, with the exception of the Turkey Trot fiasco and the Jingle Bell Jog, I run at night. Sometimes late at night. In my big Rocky hoodie. And run only around the "mile block" a few times in my neighborhood. This is an important point that we'll come back to in a sec.
On the two days of those races, I was on the verge of mental breakdowns. Feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed me on those mornings until I was downright petrified to get out of the car. I thought at the time that I was scared of just failing; of my body quitting on me halfway through and that I would need medical attention. Images of me needing an oxygen mask as I was loaded into the ambulance and Jonathan having to comfort the boys as they cried uncontrollably ran through my head on both of those occasions. Ridiculous I know, but these were the thoughts going through my head at the time. I had only been running for a month and a half before those races. And as you may recall, my body was not responding or "taking to it" too well. So I was scared FOR ME on a physical level. But since October, I've learned to run, somewhat successfully. I've learned technique, how to take care of my body, and even built up some endurance and stability. So at this point in my training, I should feel really good. And I do...err did.
Yesterday, with the race four weeks away, I decided to step things up a bit and do my long run and actually go somewhere.
Plan: to run to the closest park (about 1.75 miles) and then continue my run on the track around the park that is 2.75 miles. Good idea. I thought it will make it more fun to get some new scenery, change things up a bit, and actually have a destination to run towards.
The weather is warming up significantly here. As I donned my running gear, I stepped out the front door and thought "Man it's warm. I don't think I'm going to need the hoodie today." So here I go.
I'm running.
I'm running.
I'm running.
And I'm stopping. Something doesn't feel right. I feel really awkward....and naked. As I got closer to Main Street, my heart beat was out of control. My breathing felt like I was running sprints. And I felt like a giant boob. Literally and figuratively. It is here that I had my first revelation of the day. I didn't wear my hoodie because it was cold, I wore it because it covered my body. And I had become used to it to the point that I now felt like I was a baby without his security blanket. All I could see or feel was the bouncing boobage. And I felt like that's what everyone else saw too.
Revelation #2: people can actually see me. And....mental breakdown ensues in 3,2,1. "What the H.....am I this vain that I feel like everyone is watching me?"
run a little
cry a little
head down head down
run a little
cry a little
"Why Lisa, do you think that you run at night, in an over sized hoodie, looking like the uni bomber? Because people can't see you!!!" (Revelation#3)
At this point, I'm hiding by a tree by the Natchez Trace (yes I'm serious), debating on whether to keep going. Because the next few steps are going to lead me to Main Street. There is no other way to the park. And I'm going to have to run down the busiest street in Tupelo if I want to get to the park. Cuss. Cuss. Cussity Cuss cusssss.
So I went. I cried. And I went. I realized that all these strides I had made over the last few months had been great. But I had done nothing to fix the mental roadblocks that had been keeping me from not only running, but going out, with people, to birthday parties, to social functions with Jonathan that I know are important, but I always made an excuse because I'm not comfortable enough with myself TO BE SEEN.
I made it to the park. I even had a few honks along the way. Either telling me good job or that I was a donkey for running down Main street. Either way, I made it. But by the time I made it, I didn't want that 2.75 miles. The park is really crowded on Sundays. I just wanted to go home.
Cuss
The good news is, I know I can do it physically. The bad news is, I have alot of work to do mentally before Feb. 29.
Quote of the Day: So often times it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. - The Eagles, "Already Gone."
Song of the Day: Creep - Radiohead
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