I struggled with whether or not to write about this. But this is how Christmas affected my Jack, and therefore how it affected our family. And this is my journal, so to speak, about my life, my triumphs, and the difficult times. So I'm going to write about it.
Last Christmas, Jack didn't enjoy it. And as a result, I didn't either. Only because once you have kids, Christmas becomes about them (and the baby Jesus, I know.) But really you look forward to building all of those precious memories you had as a child; with the presents, the decorations, the singing and shopping, and recreating those with your own children. It's one of those things you daydream about during pregnancy. But sometimes, for whatever reason, for your child, whether there is trauma, a broken family, or like us, a child with autism or a special need, Christmas can be difficult. Last Christmas was a heart breaker. Jack didn't speak. He didn't know his sign language. He didn't play with or like any toys...like ANY toys at all. And he couldn't grasp the concept of Christmas. And when he gets overstimulated, he shuts down, i.e. hides in the closet and cries. And he had one of his worst experiences over the holiday break. But this last year, Jack has come so far in his development. He learned sign language that led him to speak in September. He learned how to count, learned his ABCs, he went to school and became much more social than I ever believed possible. So I was really getting excited for the possibility of having a much more enjoyable Christmas for Jack. But alas, we learned Christmas Eve night that the over stimulation, from the tree, the lights, the noise, the presents, and all of the excitement was going to be too much for him. I'll spare you the details of the five or six days that followed. Just know that he spent alot of time in the closet and if anyone asked if he wanted a present he replied with a cry of "NO CHRISTMAS! NO CHRISTMAS!" There are still presents under our tree that he didn't unwrap. It made me sad. And it made his dad sad. And I think it made his little brother sad. And it made me want Christmas to hurry up and come to an end.
So that's the reason for the crabbiness. While a good excuse, an excuse none the less. And BAM! there goes my new years resolution already of having no excuses! See how easy that is? SO I'm writing a new new years blog. I'm not deleting the last one because at the time, that's how I felt. And I always said I would not apologize for nor edit my words in this blog. So after a deliberate boycott of new years resolutions, I've decided to celebrate the new year's coming. And greet it as an opportunity to reignite the fire in which this blog and journey started.
I'm pretty excited for what this new year holds. For Jack, he starts a big boy school three days a week. On MWF, he will attend the Early Childhood Education Center (hold on, I need to shut my door so my boys can't hear mommy weeping). On Tuesday and Thursday, he will attend the Autism Center in the a.m., occupational during lunch, and spend the afternoons at Ole Miss for speech therapy. I couldn't be more excited for him. For little George, he starts Mommys Day Out two days a week. I couldn't be more excited for mommy. For Jon, well this is my journal and I'm sure he would appreciate his business to be kept his business. (WSOP!!) We are selling our house and buying a new one. Next month, we are spending our first night away from our boys. (I love you mammie and I really will keep my phone on all night so if you try to call at 1 am and I don't answer it's probably just because we get terrible reception in Meridian :))
And finally, for me, I don't, for the first time in, oh I can't remember when, have to begin the new year with making a promise to myself that I'm going to start running and become healthy. Because after 2 1/2 months, I'm still doing it! Although I took a few detours the last couple of weeks, I'm still on course to be able to finish my first half-marathon February 27. And in retrospect, I've learned two very important tools that have helped me to stick with it this time:
1) I told everybody I could. I blogged and facebooked it. This way, you really leave yourself no choice but to succeed, because what are you going to do? tell all of those people that you quit? that you failed? ummm no thanks. It sucked bad enough to tell myself that over the years. I couldn't imagine the self-loathing that would result from me having to admit it to other people.
2) My goal was to be healthy, instead of skinny. Yes, losing weight will result from running religiously. And yes, I would like to lose weight. But I've wanted to lose weight for the last 6 or 7 years. And at times, I might have. But it always came back because I never had the right focus. So this time around, my only goal is to eat healthy and follow a running program. And weight loss is just a happy side effect. As is being happy, looking happy, and being proud of yourself for doing something the right way.
So I guess my new years resolution is to keep doing what I'm doing; Stick to my running program and make healthy eating choices, which is what I still struggle with but it gets better every day. I'm going to keep a food journal. I'm going to track my calorie intake and outtake because, you know, that's what Bob and Jillian say to do. (Biggest Loser starts Jan. 14). I'm also going to make a daily effort at being positive and upbeat for the men in my life. (It really is true, if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy). And last but not least, I'm going to continue to take life one day at a time.
Quote of the Day: "So keep doing what you're doing...but ask yourself this: Are you ready for a throwdown?" - Bobby Flay (I don't know why, it was just on my mind at the time. Maybe another resolution should be for me to lay off the food network a little.)
Song of the Day: Least Complicated - My girls, Indigo
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