Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Race Day Report: Warning: Longer than the Best Supporting Actress Award presentation AKA pretty freaking long

Pretty Woman Quote, Edward:
"People's reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul."
Replace the word "opera" with "running a long race" and that's how I feel today. On Sunday, I ran a race. The Disney's Princess Half-Marathon. And I finished. I didn't die. I didn't puke. I actually ran across the finish line. It was hard. It hurt. I saw a lot of people in pain and agony and a lot of people who didn't reach their goals that day. In fact, almost 17,000 people began the race. Less than 14,000 finished. That blasted Mickey Mouse golf cart did indeed exist. And it picked up a lot of women on Sunday morning. But by God, it didn't get me! I didn't even see it. Never had to look for it. It was a great day. I fell in love that day. Not with running, but with accomplishing goals. I realized it really had been a long time since I had done something that I was proud of, just because I wanted to.
I'm gonna break this thing down. Warning: I have a lot of information/emotions to discuss. A LOT. Proceed with caution. You've been warned.
Pre-Race:
Friday we went to the expo at the Wide World of Sports to pick up my race bib and information, be pixie-dusted, and to size up the competition. Now the most important thing to be noted here, I was scared of this expo. Probably more scared of this than the actual race. This was going to be what determined my outlook going into Sunday. I'm sure I need not remind you of the Turkey Trot fiasco. The morning of that run, I had a complete mental breakdown just based purely on the fact that I was surrounded by beautiful, hard-bodied women and men, who were so intimidating from a physical standpoint that my body wouldn't perform that day at all. I just felt like I was a fat American in my sweats eating McDonald's sitting at a French bistro surrounded by sexy, sophisticated French women in their bikinis drinking Merlot for lunch. (That's the only analogy I can think of to accurately describe the situation. Please refer to the warning above if you don't like it.)
So I fully expected to go into the expo and be surrounded by athletic Brooklyn Decker types. And as we walked in, we were greeted by "ladies in waiting" who were sprinkling everyone with pixie dust. It was beautiful. And what was even more beautiful, was the fact that I was surrounded by thousands of women who looked just like me. There were mothers and daughters, sisters, grandmothers, and lots of teams of women who had trained together and were running for a cause. I was immediately relieved to know that the majority of women there were running in hopes of just finishing rather than setting a PR. I was relieved, encouraged and inspired and most importantly, was able to enjoy the day. Sidenote: It was CROWDED. And they didn't allow strollers. Really, they didn't. My loving husband stood in a 30 minute line to get my 13.1 sticker and my I DID IT! t-shirt at the RunDisney merchandise booth. It was so sweet. Especially because I knew there was still a chance that I might not get to use either one of them. At the moment, I still had a small unsettling fear that I wouldn't finish; a thought that I just could not silence.
We had a nice relaxing rest of the day. We went swimming, ate more than we should have, and I went to bed feeling much more confident than before the expo.
The next day we went to the Animal Kingdom. Now this was the only part of Disney World that my son Jack was actually looking forward to. Autistic children tend to get overstimulated with crowds and loud noise. And Jack used to be the exception to the rule, but not anymore. But if there's animals involved, he's good to go. So we were super excited for this day. We went on safari, petted some sheep and llamas, changed some diapers in a rain forest sound booth, waited on Jonathan so he could look at Pocahontas a little longer than I would have liked but I digress. It really was a great day. But by 5 that evening my legs and feet were already hurting, and I began to worry. 3 a.m. was going to come really really early. yay
Race Day Report:
3 a.m. did in fact come early. Armed with my whole wheat bagel and peanut butter and banana, we set out for Epcot. My plan of just slipping the boys out of bed and into the car had backfired. They were wide awake. I felt so bad for what they were going to put Jon through over the next six hours. Jon was trying to get my pre-race interview on film while I was driving and eating so I'm sure that video is going to win Best Documentary at next year's Oscars. We got to the runner's drop off area and I realized that they were ushering cars in and out so fast that there was going to be no proper good-byes. There was not going to be an opportunity for a Casablanca good-bye moment where Jon sends me off a little girl and I return as a woman. There was no pre-race motivational  Rocky and Mickey speech to set me off. It was just jump out, good luck, and the good luck was mostly directed at Jon for the fact that he now had to go and find a parking space, hang out for 3 hours until race time, and then survive both the boys in a double stroller getting around the parks to see me race...for another 3 hours. Good Luck was definitely going to be needed.
As I got to the holding area, it looked like a rave. It was dark, it was 3:30 in the a.m., there were a lot of glow sticks and necklaces, a lot of glitter and fairy wings, and a lot of people were putting things into their mouths that they maybe shouldn't have. You know, your typical rave in Orlando. It was complete organized chaos. I couldn't figure out where to go. So I found myself a corner and parked it for the next hour. I just people watched and figured out people's stories. And everyone here had them. There was a lot of nervous excitement. And also a lot of fear. I was a nice eclectic mix of the two and everything in between.
Around 5 they directed us towards the starting line. A walk that took around 20 minutes. The cool thing about Disney is, they don't do anything half-ass. (What does this word mean? We had a good conversation about this on the way to Orlando. No one ever says full-ass. Or all-ass.) But Disney had gone to great lengths to consistently give you something to look at or listen to. Music was pumping from ten foot speakers and they had giant tv screens making sure you could see the pre race show that included the fairy godmother and inspirational stories. It was really, really cool.
At about 5:45, I had come out of the porta potty (for the 3rd time already). I found my way to my Corral. We were supposedly placed in our corresponding corrals based on what our submitted pace was. So I kind of figured that everyone would look like me. Some did. Some didn't. Some actually looked like Brooklyn Decker. And a few looked like they were in the middle of the Biggest Loser season (I say that with a sincerity and respectful, non-sarcastic tone). It was really inspirational to see such a diverse group of women. I began to get really emotional. And all of a sudden, really really scared. And then it happened. My phone rang. It was my kindred spirit/ best friend Francis Clayton. If any of you don't know her, you're really missing out. She called me to wish me well, to tell me that I could do it. And to tell me that this was my time. After we hung up, she texted me the following gem:
There comes a time in every woman's life when she must blaze her own trail. A time when she has to run, not from an evil stepmother, but to her moment of glory. A day when the true princess inside of her shines through. The time has come for you! Shine sister shine!
I don't know if this was someone else's quote or an original, because she is certainly capable of something so creative and powerful, but wherever it came from, it went straight to my head. And at that moment, any fear I had of not finishing completely disappeared. And I was ready. Ready to do what I set out to do 6 months prior. Ready to prove to myself that I was capable of doing something impossible and great. And I knew at that moment that I would see that finish line, get my medal, and get to put the sticker on my car and get to wear that I DID IT! t-shirt that my husband so awesomely waited in line to buy me. I made sure my tiara was in place and waited for my fireworks to flash and for the fairy Godmother to say GO!
The first few miles that are usually so difficult for me were pretty cool. I really had to focus on pacing myself. I occasionally looked at the Garmin and saw 10:00 and 10:30, WAY too fast for me. I knew that if I didn't slow down I would pay for it later. At mile 2, they had a giant pirate ship from one of the parades. And Jack Sparrow along with other hunks like Tarzan, Aladdin and John Smith were there to greet the ladies. They also had hot-air balloons, DJs and men on stilts. It was pretty cool to see this stuff along the highway. Around mile 3 they had Lilo and Stitch and the Luau dancers from the Polynesian Hotel. The belly dancers were a nice touch because it gave some extra motivation to keep running. Muffin tops were one thing those dancers did not posses. At mile 4, I knew my boys would be waiting. I dressed us all in green so we would be easy to find. And it worked. I could spot em in a crowd of hundreds. And the color green has never looked so pretty. Mile 6 took us into the Magic Kingdom. Before we even got on Main Street, the tears came and came hard. Every worker that was there stood on the running path to give us high fives and to cheer. From the rundisney volunteers to cafeteria workers and janitors, they all just stood there to cheer for us. Only in Disney I thought to myself. And when I turned the corner to see the castle, the flood gates opened and the Red Sea came crashing down on me. I was boo hooing. Like, I literally was saying boo hoo I was crying so hard. We ran thru Tomorrowland and I thought about the first trip that Jack was tall enough to ride the cars. Boo hoo. I saw the tea cups and remembered my uncle puking after getting off of them and a woman coming by and literally slipped into his vomit. I couldn't have been older than 6. Boo hoo. I passed by Pooh and mourned for the fact that this ride scares Jack to death, but rejoiced in the fact that George loves it. Boo hoo. And then I came to the back of the castle. There she was. Cinderella and Prince Charming. My alter ego and that of my husband's (proclaimed by myself and not said husband). And Mickey and Minnie. And there were trumpeters. And as I ran through the tunnel, the view of Main Street lined with thousands of spectators was just too much. I had to stop. And ugly face cry. And I videotaped. Yeah, I took a handheld recorder and hopefully got some good footage. It was a great moment. One that I had been waiting on for a long time. And it was just as sweet as I imagined it would be. It was here I decided that I was going to relish these next few minutes. And take full advantage of it. I waited in line to get my picture made in front of the castle. I waited in line to get my picture made with Capt. Hook and Smee, only because they were Jack's favorite. And before I exited the Magic Kingdom through Frontierland, I stood in front of Splash Mountain and looked behind me at all the runners and the fog that was still settled from the morning, I put my hands on my hips and said I'll never have this moment again. Sigh
And then I realized, oh yeah, I'm running a race with a pace limit, I should probably get back to the running thing.
Mile 7 I don't remember, other than that I was trying to compose myself, find my happy thought, and settle in for the torturous last 6. I also realized it was time for a sportbean snack and was terribly disappointed to find that I was actually sweating hard enough that my beans in my butt pocket had disintegrated into sugar. Cuss. Mile 8 was going to be bittersweet for me. It would be where I would last see the family before the last 5 miles. And I would get a banana :)
They were waiting for me at the end of the spectator crowd. I wanted to jump in the stroller with them. Jack never looked up from his ipad, and George had food all over his face. And Jon was so proud of me at that moment. I think he might have been a little shocked that I was still standing. Or that I was coherent. Regardless, the look of pride was priceless. And a woman then offered to take our picture. She was super kind and she congratulated me on getting this far. She then revealed that she was picked up at this point last year. She didn't make it. That golf cart found her and dashed her hopes of that tiara medal. Cuss, I have to go. It was not gonna be me.
Mile 8-11 were tough. There was nothing to look at, only maybe because I never looked up from the street in front of me. I strapped on the headphones and blocked everything else out. First up on the shuffle, Bella's Lullabye from Twilight. (All you haters can stick it.) It calmed me, helped me to focus and breathe, and allowed me to daydream about Edward throwing me on his back for a sprint back to Epcot. It was awesome. Thank you Stephanie Meyers. Then Dancing Nancies by DMB. My husband's favorite. I spent this time reminiscing about our trip to Atlanta last summer where we went to see them in concert, took my sister as our babysitter, and made it to the show in enough time TO SEE THE ENCORE. Best 20 minutes of my life. Strangely and appropriately enough, it got stuck on repeat, and I listened to it for 2 miles. Must be noted, I walked mile 11 and 12. Probably most of 10 too but who's counting? My legs and feet felt like led. I had actually gotten a blister on one of my toes. Awesome. But my mantra became Keep Moving Forward. Keep Moving Forward. Thank you Walt and Meet the Robinson's. In the middle of mile 12 I came to an overpass. An overpass that looped around the highway that I had just gotten off of. A highway that allowed me to see most of Disney property, including Epcot and the Finish line. I could actually see it. And....ugly face cry #33. I decided to record the moment. And as I looked back at the highway, I saw thousands of runners. And it occurred to me. I was not going to come in last. Not next to last. And not even in the last 4000. That was a strange, good and completely new experience for me. I then said to myself "Let's finish this thing, and finish strong."
I found a surprisingly good running pace. And just as I was beginning the last mile through Epcot, Somewhere Over the Rainbow Israeli K style came on the ipod. I couldn't have planned it better myself. I entered the park right next to Spaceship Earth. We traveled around the fountain and towards the World Showcase entrance. I saw where the infamous nutwagon once stood that I spent an amazingly fun 4 months of my life standing behind every morning during the college program. I then began to look back at those 7 or 8 years of my life that while at times were great fun, with great experiences and great people, they were also filled with dark times where I was not my best, not my strongest showing of character, and certainly didn't do much to be proud of. And I realized, thanks to the infinite wisdom of my husband, that it was time to let all of that go. And  I did just that. As I crossed that finish line, I shed the dead weight I feel like I've been carrying since I was 18. I was able to look at the last 14 years of my life and see where I've come from, what I've been through, and realize that however I got to this place, I'm here, and it's a really, really good place. I have two beautiful boys, a husband that God has so graciously bestowed upon me and God love him, I haven't run him off yet. And I just accomplished something that 6 months ago, during a conversation I had with my husband, I said I couldn't do. I knew that Jon and the boys had not made it back to the finish line before I crossed. They got stuck in a line for the monorail. But I enjoyed and savored that moment for myself. An older gentleman came to me and placed the prettiest gold tiara medal I have ever seen, gently around my neck. And I swear to the stars I felt like FloJo and I was at the Olympics and had just taken home the gold for the US. (Suck it skinny French women with your Merlot!!) A woman, also crying uncontrollably at the finish line, looked at me and we realized that our families were no where near us and we spontaneously fell into each other's arms and told each other how great we were. It was a surreal, exhilerating and the most humbling experience I've ever had. And......scene.
Higlights:
Most inspired moment- I got behind a woman around mile 3 that was clearly in good shape, clearly an avid runner, and clearly battling cancer. She was also spitting blood into a hankerchief. I ran behind her as long as I could. At mile 6, right before the Magic Kingdom, she had to enter a medical tent.
Most inspiring costume- Costumes were everywhere. Mostly princesses and fairies. There were about 500 men who ran. Most of them, were also dressed as fairies and princesses. But the most inspiring costume came from a husband and wife team. They stayed together the entire race dressed in tutus, mickey and minnie hats and matching purple socks. Their t-shirts had a picture of a beautiful little girl and it read:" We are running in memory of our beautiful Anna Grace." They held hands numerous times during the race. I stayed behind them as well, for as long as I could. And cried the whole time.
Most inspiring conversation heard- this race benefits the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. There were numerous teams of men and women who had trained and traveled together and were running in memory or in honor of someone. I tried to stay as close to those teams as possible and feed off of their encouragement. At times, someone would want to sit out, and their team members would say "do it for _ who couldn't be here, do it for _ who lost their son, etc. and they would keep moving. It was beautiful, emotional, sad, and inspiring.

Lowlights:
I learned the hard way about where exactly to put the body glide on for the next race. Blisters on the side boob suck. I learned, also the hard way, that bushes can sometimes be more pleasant and convenient, than porta potties. I learned that while using a bush, just make sure your pants are out of the line of fire before proceeding. I learned that I do not want sugarfree or lowcal powerade while I'm running. Seriously, what's the point? I learned that while most women there were running for a personal and emotional goal, the runners who were there strictly for the "PR" need to chill out. I learned that even the most fit runners suffer from injuries and mental breakdowns and actually quit. And I learned, only from observation of others mind you, that some women naturally want their thongs to show above their pants, even when running. More power to ya girlfriend.

TIME:
My only concern about time was not to fall below the necessary pace to finish. I'm pretty proud of this time. Especially when I look back at how many times I stopped, to take in the moment, to take pictures, get my picture made, and three big potty breaks. I think it's pretty awesome myself. But here it is for your enjoyment.

3:02:51

DistanceHALF MAR
Clock Time3:24:24
Chip Time3:02:51
Overall Place8819 / 13091
Gender Place8819 / 13091
Division Place1506 / 2113
Age Grade36.1%
5K Split37:33
10K Split1:22:20
15K Split2:07:59


Conclusion:
In December of 2007 I received my Bachelor's degree from Mississippi State. I started in 1996 at Ole Miss. It took me 11 years to get a four year degree. So on graduation day, I looked up at my husband and little Jack and my family and realized it was the proudest moment of my "professional" life. I had finished something I set out to do. As I walked into the HUMP that day in cap and gown, I thought "I will never be more proud of myself than I am right now." And well, Sunday, I proved myself wrong. The feeling of accomplishment I had Sunday, not just when I crossed the finish line, but all during the race, pale in comparison to that day. Not only did I do something mentally, but this involved pushing my body to the outward limits of what I thought possible. I didn't do it because I had to, I did it because I wanted to. And it is surprisingly one of the most humbling experiences. Over the last six months I've become a much more calmer and confident person. I'm less judgemental of others, physically and personally. It's resulted in me being a more disciplined, responsible, and more organized person than before. Now this didn't magically make me a better person nor did it make me a perfect person, obviously. It's what you feel when you prepare or train for something. And most importantly, when you set a goal to do something impossible and then you reach that goal knowing it is a direct result of hard work, determination and heart. I'm most definitely a better person because of it. One of the greatest pleasures this journey has afforded me is finding the friendship and support of friends that I had lost touch with and those I didn't even know I had. I have been overwhelmingly touched by the show of support from you guys during this experience. One of the reasons I started the blog was not just for the accountability, but to help branch out socially and get comfortable with conversation again. As a stay at home mom I had isolated myself from society and justified that by saying I was being a good mom and that was enough. But it's not. You need contact with others to keep you sane and to be a productive human being. And this experience has rectified that situation as well. I feel like I have numerous people I can now call a friend and I once again feel comfortable in my own skin, something I havent been able to say in a long time. So thank you. Thank you to everyone who messaged me or emailed me or cared at all about what I was doing. Your friendship and kind words had much deeper meaning and a much grander effect than you will ever truly know.
Where to go from here: I surprisingly feel like nothing has come to an end. And I hate to sound like a cliche, but my real journey is just now beginning. I immediately felt like wanting to put another race on the calendar.  Which we have done. My husband and I will do a half in Savannah in the Fall. And we are even considering the full at Disney in January. Yeah I said it. Lofty goal I know. But I think that's the key. To anything physically, spiritually, or mentally, Always have a goal and always be moving forward. And my last piece of advice: the biggest secret I've learned through all of this is that there is no secret. We all know what we have to do to feel good about ourselves. Whatever it is that you want to do to make you better, to make you happy, then just do it. No excuses. Life will always get in the way. That's why they call it life. Kids, family, jobs, illness, tragedy, and bad habits will always be present to distract us from taking care of ourselves. But you have one life. One body. One mind. So take care of it. Make it the best it can be. Because we're only here once. We only get one shot to do it right.
So whatever it is you want to do, then do it. (Thanks bendoeslife.com)
I love you all.
Lisa. I'm out.

My favorite quote from any song comes from the Indigo Girls "Love's Recovery": Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me, I'd still have two of the same to live. But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as spects of dust we're universal. So let this love survive and be the greatest gift that we could give.
 Song of the Day: Firework, Katy Perry



Saturday, February 19, 2011

Day 112: Ramblin Man

Today:
Last long run before the race. 10 miles in 2 hours and 11 minutes. I feel pretty good other than my butt hurts. Which is weird because it hasn't hurt, ever. Maybe this means I've just now ran off enough fat to actually begin to work that muscle back there, and today was the first day that the muscle has actually moved. That's a good probability. The hard part for me hasn't been the distance, but sustaining a good, consistent jog for longer than 2 miles. The first two miles are still so awkward for me. I trip, my legs and feet feel weighted and crooked and I simply can't find my rhythm. But once I get into the third mile, I start feeling like FloJo (minus the nails.) Side note: after she suddenly and tragically passed away, her husband, a couple of years after her death, still paid her cell phone bill, just so he could call and hear her voice. Just one of those insignificant yet beautiful little bits of information that my brain retains on the off chance that her name gets brought up, which I did myself. Awesome.
So today was my last long run, and I did it. Yes, I got tired. Yes, I thought about quitting and going to Shipley's, but I didn't. I spent a lot of time today thinking about the last five months. About how difficult it was and still is at times, to just run. It's freaking hard. I thought about the program that I followed. I am absolutely proud to say that I followed a running program for five months. Five months straight?? No. I didn't run every time I was supposed to. I took at least two and a half weeks off at Christmas. And some days I would look at that calendar and say kiss my arse Hal Higdon. Some days I even gave it the finger. But I did stick with it. Do I wish I was more diligent and committed? Absolutely. But at this point, I have no regrets.
My feelings about the race:
I'm confident. And then I'm not. I think "there's no way I'm not going to finish." And then I think "crap, what if I don't finish." I swear somedays I think I'm bipolar.
Regarding the race, I know that the only thing I have to worry about that day is myself. Like Fabio said this week on "Top Chef": You are the only shadow standing in the way of your sunshine. At the time it sounded ridiculous (albeit sexy in the Italian accent; am still bummed he went home) but it completely made sense to me once I started thinking about the different ways this race can play out. I'm probably going to feel super pumped getting up at 3 am and getting to my corral. I'm going to be wicked emotional filming my pre-race interview with the fam, and I'm going to ugly face cry when I hear the music and see the fireworks for the start. And then I'm going to see those beautiful hard bodied runners and once again, just like the Turkey Trot day, I'm going to come down with a big ole case of erectile dysfunction or erunner dysfunction (there should be a word.) Outside of some physical catastrophe that keeps me from finishing, it really does all depend on if I can stay strong enough, mentally, to finish.
This week:
I'm going to spend a lot of time in reflection (with the Tao), a lot of time looking at my life and figuring out how and why I've come to this moment, a lot of time focusing on why I want to run this race. I want to run for myself; so I can be proud of something I've accomplished outside of children and husbandry and to achieve something that seemed completely unattainable. I want to run for my Jack; because he has taught me that nothing is impossible, that we are all capable of doing the one thing we thought we never would do. I want to run for my husband, because he has helped me to realize my potential. I want to run for my little George, because he's going to be the athlete of the family and I already can't keep up with him. I want to run because I know that there a few people out there who think I can't do it. And I want to moon them. And  I also want to run because it will make my butt smaller. (All your reasons don't have to be life altering or Ghandi-ish.)
Song of the Day: Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park
Quote of the Day:
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." - Lao Tzu
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." - William Faulkner

Friday, February 11, 2011

Day 104: The Elephant in the Room


8 miles. One hour and 44 minutes.
Look, I don't post this stuff anymore because I'm sick of saying "well, it's a good time for me.....I should just focus on the fact that I'm actually running and not worry about time..etc...etc..."
I know I'm slow. And it doesn't look like it's getting any faster. But as long as I'm under that 15 minute pace, I really could care less. But I'm actually pretty proud of this one. We went to the park so there were no distractions. No momma's house to stop in for a 20 minute potty/peanut butter and crackers visit. No my house to stop for water and get "distracted" by children and the bed. No neighbors that I all of a sudden felt the urge to chat with for 15 minutes. Just me, the road, and the skaters. And the people parking. As in parking doing things they probably shouldn't be. It was kind of exciting to figure out the relations that were going on around me. Anyway,
I felt pretty good. No aches and no puking. And I finished. 8 miles. I could end this journey now and say that I did something I honestly thought I would never do. But I will carry on. And I will triumph (pumping my fist in the air...ala Meg Ryan in French Kiss.)
Quotes of the Day:
Time is making fools of us again. - J.K. Rowling (for Kelly)
Clocks slay time...time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. - William Faulkner
Song of the Day: Break on Through - The Doors

 

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Day 99: G is for Goodbye

I have a friend. His name is Garyon. He's a singer, dancer, actor, superstar, Oprah loving big ole piece of fabulousness. He is also moving to San Antonio on Friday. And curiously enough, miss mental basket o fries here is not sad. I couldn't be happier for him. He is going to a place where he will be afforded opportunities that he can not find here in the metropolis of Tupelo.
This blog is usually about self-realizations, aha moments, spirituality, goals and aspirations, mixed in with some discussion about bladder control and boobs, and occasionally about running. Garyon has given me insight on all of the above. With the hope that I do not embarrass him and in honor of his passing (through),  I'd like to share the reasons that I love and will miss, my friend Garyon.
Garyon has taught me:
1. Never stop working at making yourself a better person. Always work at it. It always needs it.
2. Never stop soul searching. There is a reason you say, do, believe, react to, and think about everything; in your world and the outside world. Figure it out, and figure out if it is right.
3. Even though you are a good, intelligent, responsible person, you can lose your best friend's pet while house sitting for a month.
4. Don't judge. Not your parents. Not your neighbor. Not that girl wearing only a corset and something that should have been a skirt but obviously shrunk in the drier. Only yourself. Judge only yourself and leave the rest to a higher power.
5. Always shake what your momma gave you.
6. That while it's not ok to act like you did when you were 21, you can still have fun in da club.
7. Never give up on your dreams. Big or small, they are always attainable. You just have to believe and work.
8. Always be true to who you are.
9. Love yourself.
10. Spread the sunshine. It's contagious.

Good-bye Garyon.

My short insight on running for the week:
I ran on a treadmill for the first time yesterday. Wow. I freaked out. I've settled in to averaging a good (for me, for me)12 minute mile. On that dangblasted treadmill, I couldn't beat a 15. What the H?? But apparently, thanks to a desperate google about the Garmin versus the treadmill and an email to Lynn, I found out that this is pretty common. (?) And if you think it's not common, please don't tell me about it.
I also learned that the only way I can stay motivated to stay on the freaking thing, was if the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Making the Squad show was on. That being said, that show should totally be outlawed.

Good-bye treadmill.

And finally, something big happened this week. So big, I still can't even grasp the bigness of it. Most of you know our four year old son Jack. He is autistic. He only began to speak 5 months ago. He has made so much progress in these last 6 months that it has changed the way I see and hope for his future. When he was born.....oh screw it
HE PEEPEED IN THE POTTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good-bye diapers.

Song of the Day: Good Day Sunshine - The Beatles
Quote of the Day: Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile - Mother Theresa (she was referring to Garyon.)

Monday, January 31, 2011

Day 92: Self Realization #437

I'm a nocturnal, insecure, self-deprecating mental midget whose brain is (I like to think) so huge, it actually gets in the way of me thinking as a rational and productive human being.
If you asked me to describe myself just 24 hours ago, I might have said I'm an ambitious, blithesome, motivated go-getter who is capable of anything I put my mind to.
Enter yesterday's long run.
Up until now, with the exception of the Turkey Trot fiasco and the Jingle Bell Jog, I run at night. Sometimes late at night. In my big Rocky hoodie. And run only around the "mile block" a few times in my neighborhood. This is an important point that we'll come back to in a sec.
On the two days of those races, I was on the verge of mental breakdowns. Feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed me on those mornings until I was downright petrified to get out of the car. I thought at the time that I was scared of just failing; of my body quitting on me halfway through and that I would need medical attention. Images of me needing an oxygen mask as I was loaded into the ambulance and Jonathan having to comfort the boys as they cried uncontrollably ran through my head on both of those occasions. Ridiculous I know, but these were the thoughts going through my head at the time. I had only been running for a month and a half before those races. And as you may recall, my body was not responding or "taking to it" too well. So I was scared FOR ME on a physical level. But since October, I've learned to run, somewhat successfully. I've learned technique, how to take care of my body, and even built up some endurance and stability. So at this point in my training, I should feel really good. And  I do...err did.
Yesterday, with the race four weeks away, I decided to step things up a bit and do my long run and actually go somewhere.
Plan: to run to the closest park (about 1.75 miles) and then continue my run on the track around the park that is 2.75 miles. Good idea. I thought it will make it more fun to get some new scenery, change things up a bit, and actually have a destination to run towards.
The weather is warming up significantly here. As I donned my running gear, I stepped out the front door and thought "Man it's warm. I don't think I'm going to need the hoodie today." So here I go.
I'm running.
I'm running.
I'm running.
And  I'm stopping. Something doesn't feel right. I feel really awkward....and naked. As I got closer to Main Street, my heart beat was out of control. My breathing felt like I was running sprints. And I felt like a giant boob. Literally and figuratively. It is here that I had my first revelation of the day. I didn't wear my hoodie because it was cold, I wore it because it covered my body. And I had become used to it to the point that I now felt like I was a baby without his security blanket. All I could see or feel was the bouncing boobage. And I felt like that's what everyone else saw too.
Revelation #2: people can actually see me. And....mental breakdown ensues in 3,2,1. "What the H.....am I this vain that I feel like everyone is watching me?"
run a little
cry a little
head down head down
run a little
cry a little
"Why Lisa, do you think that you run at night, in an over sized hoodie, looking like the uni bomber? Because people can't see you!!!" (Revelation#3)
At this point, I'm hiding by a tree by the Natchez Trace (yes I'm serious), debating on whether to keep going. Because the next few steps are going to lead me to Main Street. There is no other way to the park. And I'm going to have to run down the busiest street in Tupelo if I want to get to the park. Cuss. Cuss. Cussity Cuss cusssss.
So I went. I cried. And I went. I realized that all these strides I had made over the last few months had been great. But I had done nothing to fix the mental roadblocks that had been keeping me from not only running, but going out, with people, to birthday parties, to social functions with Jonathan that I know are important, but I always made an excuse because I'm not comfortable enough with myself TO BE SEEN.
I made it to the park. I even had a few honks along the way. Either telling me good job or that I was a donkey for running down Main street. Either way, I made it. But by the time I made it, I didn't want that 2.75 miles. The park is really crowded on Sundays. I just wanted to go home.
Cuss
The good news is, I know I can do it physically. The bad news is, I have alot of work to do mentally before Feb. 29. 
Quote of the Day: So often times it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. - The Eagles, "Already Gone."
Song of the Day: Creep - Radiohead

Monday, January 24, 2011

Day 85: Last Week spent on the IR

Hey peeps!  I did not realize it had been over a week since my last post. Thanks for caring enough to see that I was alive and still at it. Last week I came down with the bursitis. (Yes, THE bursitis, like THE walmart, THE facebook, that's how I talk yo.) I did my long run last Sunday and felt great. 5.5 miles with my run 10 minutes/walk 1 minute routine and I felt legit. I updated my calendar for the next six weeks and in my mind, I finally realized that not only was I going to do this, but I might even finish it as a sane, coherent person able to walk through the parks afterwards. I went to bed that night feeling good. And I woke up Monday morning feeling like the tin man without his oil can. I could hardly walk or bend at my hip. There was a knot there as big as a lemon...ok maybe the size of a quarter, but you could definitely feel it. While I was definitely bummed and scared for what having a running injury might do for my training, I was also a little proud. This meant I had actually been working my body passed it's comfort zone; that my body was in fact reacting to having to run and being pushed to do something other than eat, sleep, chauffeur children and the occasional step workout (AKA stepping on the scale to see how much a sedentary lifestyle can afford you.)
It was also my body telling me that she was pissed that I didn't stretch properly. That's the major pointer you get when starting to run. Everything I read or heard about running was that you needed to stretch afterwards. And while I'm realizing the ramifications of ignoring that very valuable pointer, you also have to understand that when I finished my first mile ever, I was just so happy to have accomplished that that stretching was the last thing from my mind. And it's been that way ever since. I'm so excited to come in the door and tell my husband that I ran two miles without stopping or that I ran four miles and didn't die! Every time I run farther I can't wait to talk about it that stretching just takes a back seat. But lesson learned. Lesson learned. I spent all last week not running, "resting" and loading up on ibuprofen and muscle relaxers and having nightmares that the mickey golf cart was picking me up because I was crawling down main street due to my lack of stretching. Lesson learned.
I have also learned this week the valuable lesson of fueling your body, especially for a long run. I do my long runs on Sundays. Yesterday we were granted the opportunity to go to the movies, a luxury we are rarely afforded now, so we went. (Side note: we saw "The Fighter". So good! Christian Bale might have had the greatest acting performance of anyone...EVER. Amy Adams turned me into a true fan, and I've not liked Marky Mark so much since he was modeling his undies for CK.)
When we go to the movies, we substitute all of our meals for the day for the bucket of popcorn. Totally worth it in my opinion. Not worth it however, if you're planning on running 7 miles when you get home. I made it 2.5 miles before gagging up popcorn kernels and spending the rest of the night in the bathroom. Again, lesson learned.
So here we are, 5 weeks away from embarking on a mission that will forever change my life. I feel pretty good. Scared still, but good. I continue to rely on others advice and words of encouragement and motivation from other blogs and my husband. So thank you to those of you who have made time to message me or write your words of encouragement on THE facebook wall. It means more than you know and really helps on days that I want to be a stationary hermit.
Quote of the Day: Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined.- Henry David Thoreau
Song of the Day: Absence of Fear - Jewel

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Day 73: Playlist for the Weird

If you haven't noticed by now I am a highly emotional and sensitive person. I mean that in the best and worst way possible. While I enjoy being moved to tears by the Biggest Loser and Intervention and things like my son telling me that "I look bootiful" on a day that I haven't even had time to brush my teeth, I don't enjoy crying for no particular reason. And I do sometimes. Some of it I can attribute to being overly sensitive to things. For the rest I can thank my fickle battle with depression I've had since I was 15. Yes sometimes I wake up and despite my best efforts at being positive, happy, and thankful for all of God's blessings that he's bestowed upon us, my body and my mind are just sad. I've learned to live with it over the last decade and have found ways to cope. One of those ways is music. I am astounded at the power of music. And this is coming from someone who doesn't listen to the radio. I love my cds, my ipod, and my itunes. Without them, I would be lost, unable to find motivation on one of those said days that I just can't get it together. The same can be said for running. I can. not. do. it. without my ipod.
They suggest for the Princess Half Marathon that you don't use headphones; that there will be "entertainment" along the race route to keep you motivated. Now while I'm excited as all get out to see Pirates and Tinkerbell and Cinderella handing me water and listening to the Disney bands on that day, I know once I get out of the Magic Kingdom and start mile 7-13 on the Florida highway the only way my legs are going to keep moving is if I've got my ipod going. And the only time those headphones are coming off is when I get to see my family and/or the finish line...god willing.
Last night, as I ran through snow filled streets (first time ever) I realized how funny my playlist is. Someone asked me once what kind of music I listened to while running and I was kind of embarrassed. But now, I've embraced it. Because it's what works for me. It made me realize that while I'm pushing for my body to become more physically fit, it's still being driven by pure emotion. I cry on just about every run, according to what song I'm listening to. So I thought I would share my playlist in lieu of the song of the day. Enjoy, either the song or the fact that I indeed run to it.

If I Had A Million Dollars - Bare Naked Ladies
Go The Distance - Disney's Hercules
Clocks - Coldplay
Dancing Nancies - Dave Matthews
Bellas Lullaby - Twilight
In My Life - Beatles
Empire State of Mind - Jay Z
Halo - Beyonce
Seasons of Love - RENT
Least Complicated - Indigo Girls
Love's Recovery - Indigo Girls
I Miss You - Blink 182
No One - Alicia Keys
Don't Stop Believin - Journey
Carry on Wayward Son - Boston
Wave on Wave - Pat Green
Defying Gravity - WICKED
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park
Let It Be - Beatles
One - U2
Claire De Lune - Twilight
Fix You - Coldplay
Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo

Quote of the Day: I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music. - George Eliot

Friday, January 7, 2011

Day 68: All I got

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. - Mahatma Ghandi


We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle

Song of the day, the night, the middle of the night, and everywhere in between: Fix You - Coldplay

Lyrics:
When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you can't replace 
When you love someone but it goes to waste 
Could it be worse? 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below 
When you're too in love to let it go 
But if you never try you'll never know 
Just what you're worth 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

Tears stream down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Tears stream down your face 
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face

And I 
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

Monday, January 3, 2011

Day 64: I was just kidding.

So I'm going to recant my last posting. I feel like it didn't accurately portray my true feelings towards the new year and my resolutions. One could argue that I came off crabby and indifferent to this holiday. That's because at the time, I was. But in fact, I'm actually quite fond of this time of year. Especially after the challenge of the last two weeks.
I struggled with whether or not to write about this. But this is how Christmas affected my Jack, and therefore how it affected our family. And this is my journal, so to speak, about my life, my triumphs, and the difficult times. So I'm going to write about it.
Last Christmas, Jack didn't enjoy it. And as a result, I didn't either. Only because once you have kids, Christmas becomes about them (and the baby Jesus, I know.) But really you look forward to building all of those precious memories you had as a child; with the presents, the decorations, the singing and shopping, and recreating those with your own children. It's one of those things you daydream about during pregnancy. But sometimes, for whatever reason, for your child, whether there is trauma, a broken family, or like us, a child with autism or a special need, Christmas can be difficult. Last Christmas was a heart breaker. Jack didn't speak. He didn't know his sign language. He didn't play with or like any toys...like ANY toys at all. And he couldn't grasp the concept of Christmas. And when he gets overstimulated, he shuts down, i.e. hides in the closet and cries. And he had one of his worst experiences over the holiday break. But this last year, Jack has come so far in his development. He learned sign language that led him to speak in September. He learned how to count, learned his ABCs, he went to school and became much more social than I ever believed possible. So I was really getting excited for the possibility of having a much more enjoyable Christmas for Jack. But alas, we learned Christmas Eve night that the over stimulation, from the tree, the lights, the noise, the presents, and all of the excitement was going to be too much for him. I'll spare you the details of the five or six days that followed. Just know that he spent alot of time in the closet and if anyone asked if he wanted a present he replied with a cry of "NO CHRISTMAS! NO CHRISTMAS!" There are still presents under our tree that he didn't unwrap. It made me sad. And it made his dad sad. And I think it made his little brother sad. And it made me want Christmas to hurry up and come to an end.
So that's the reason for the crabbiness. While a good excuse, an excuse none the less. And BAM! there goes my new years resolution already of having no excuses! See how easy that is? SO I'm writing a new new years blog. I'm not deleting the last one because at the time, that's how I felt. And I always said I would not apologize for nor edit my words in this blog. So after a deliberate boycott of new years resolutions, I've decided to celebrate the new year's coming. And greet it as an opportunity to reignite the fire in which this blog and journey started.
I'm pretty excited for what this new year holds. For Jack, he starts a big boy school three days a week. On MWF, he will attend the Early Childhood Education Center (hold on, I need to shut my door so my boys can't hear mommy weeping). On Tuesday and Thursday, he will attend the Autism Center in the a.m., occupational during lunch, and spend the afternoons at Ole Miss for speech therapy. I couldn't be more excited for him. For little George, he starts Mommys Day Out two days a week. I couldn't be more excited for mommy. For Jon, well this is my journal and I'm sure he would appreciate his business to be kept his business. (WSOP!!) We are selling our house and buying a new one. Next month, we are spending our first night away from our boys. (I love you mammie and I really will keep my phone on all night so if you try to call at 1 am and I don't answer it's probably just because we get terrible reception in Meridian :))
And finally, for me, I don't, for the first time in, oh I can't remember when, have to begin the new year with making a promise to myself that I'm going to start running and become healthy. Because after 2 1/2 months, I'm still doing it! Although I took a few detours the last couple of weeks, I'm still on course to be able to finish my first half-marathon February 27. And in retrospect, I've learned two very important tools that have helped me to stick with it this time:
1) I told everybody I could. I blogged and facebooked it. This way, you really leave yourself no choice but to succeed, because what are you going to do? tell all of those people that you quit? that you failed? ummm no thanks. It sucked bad enough to tell myself that over the years. I couldn't imagine the self-loathing that would result from me having to admit it to other people.
2) My goal was to be healthy, instead of skinny. Yes, losing weight will result from running religiously. And yes, I would like to lose weight. But I've wanted to lose weight for the last 6 or 7 years. And at times, I might have. But it always came back because I never had the right focus. So this time around, my only goal is to eat healthy and follow a running program. And weight loss is just a happy side effect. As is being happy, looking happy, and being proud of yourself for doing something the right way.
So I guess my new years resolution is to keep doing what I'm doing; Stick to my running program and make healthy eating choices, which is what I still struggle with but it gets better every day. I'm going to keep a food journal. I'm going to track my calorie intake and outtake because, you know, that's what Bob and Jillian say to do. (Biggest Loser starts Jan. 14). I'm also going to make a daily effort at being positive and upbeat for the men in my life. (It really is true, if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy). And last but not least, I'm going to continue to take life one day at a time.
Quote of the Day: "So keep doing what you're doing...but ask yourself this: Are you ready for a throwdown?" - Bobby Flay (I don't know why, it was just on my mind at the time. Maybe another resolution should be for me to lay off the food network a little.)
Song of the Day: Least Complicated - My girls, Indigo