Day 92: Self Realization #437

I'm a nocturnal, insecure, self-deprecating mental midget whose brain is (I like to think) so huge, it actually gets in the way of me thinking as a rational and productive human being.
If you asked me to describe myself just 24 hours ago, I might have said I'm an ambitious, blithesome, motivated go-getter who is capable of anything I put my mind to.
Enter yesterday's long run.
Up until now, with the exception of the Turkey Trot fiasco and the Jingle Bell Jog, I run at night. Sometimes late at night. In my big Rocky hoodie. And run only around the "mile block" a few times in my neighborhood. This is an important point that we'll come back to in a sec.
On the two days of those races, I was on the verge of mental breakdowns. Feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed me on those mornings until I was downright petrified to get out of the car. I thought at the time that I was scared of just failing; of my body quitting on me halfway through and that I would need medical attention. Images of me needing an oxygen mask as I was loaded into the ambulance and Jonathan having to comfort the boys as they cried uncontrollably ran through my head on both of those occasions. Ridiculous I know, but these were the thoughts going through my head at the time. I had only been running for a month and a half before those races. And as you may recall, my body was not responding or "taking to it" too well. So I was scared FOR ME on a physical level. But since October, I've learned to run, somewhat successfully. I've learned technique, how to take care of my body, and even built up some endurance and stability. So at this point in my training, I should feel really good. And  I do...err did.
Yesterday, with the race four weeks away, I decided to step things up a bit and do my long run and actually go somewhere.
Plan: to run to the closest park (about 1.75 miles) and then continue my run on the track around the park that is 2.75 miles. Good idea. I thought it will make it more fun to get some new scenery, change things up a bit, and actually have a destination to run towards.
The weather is warming up significantly here. As I donned my running gear, I stepped out the front door and thought "Man it's warm. I don't think I'm going to need the hoodie today." So here I go.
I'm running.
I'm running.
I'm running.
And  I'm stopping. Something doesn't feel right. I feel really awkward....and naked. As I got closer to Main Street, my heart beat was out of control. My breathing felt like I was running sprints. And I felt like a giant boob. Literally and figuratively. It is here that I had my first revelation of the day. I didn't wear my hoodie because it was cold, I wore it because it covered my body. And I had become used to it to the point that I now felt like I was a baby without his security blanket. All I could see or feel was the bouncing boobage. And I felt like that's what everyone else saw too.
Revelation #2: people can actually see me. And....mental breakdown ensues in 3,2,1. "What the H.....am I this vain that I feel like everyone is watching me?"
run a little
cry a little
head down head down
run a little
cry a little
"Why Lisa, do you think that you run at night, in an over sized hoodie, looking like the uni bomber? Because people can't see you!!!" (Revelation#3)
At this point, I'm hiding by a tree by the Natchez Trace (yes I'm serious), debating on whether to keep going. Because the next few steps are going to lead me to Main Street. There is no other way to the park. And I'm going to have to run down the busiest street in Tupelo if I want to get to the park. Cuss. Cuss. Cussity Cuss cusssss.
So I went. I cried. And I went. I realized that all these strides I had made over the last few months had been great. But I had done nothing to fix the mental roadblocks that had been keeping me from not only running, but going out, with people, to birthday parties, to social functions with Jonathan that I know are important, but I always made an excuse because I'm not comfortable enough with myself TO BE SEEN.
I made it to the park. I even had a few honks along the way. Either telling me good job or that I was a donkey for running down Main street. Either way, I made it. But by the time I made it, I didn't want that 2.75 miles. The park is really crowded on Sundays. I just wanted to go home.
Cuss
The good news is, I know I can do it physically. The bad news is, I have alot of work to do mentally before Feb. 29. 
Quote of the Day: So often times it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. - The Eagles, "Already Gone."
Song of the Day: Creep - Radiohead

Day 85: Last Week spent on the IR

Hey peeps!  I did not realize it had been over a week since my last post. Thanks for caring enough to see that I was alive and still at it. Last week I came down with the bursitis. (Yes, THE bursitis, like THE walmart, THE facebook, that's how I talk yo.) I did my long run last Sunday and felt great. 5.5 miles with my run 10 minutes/walk 1 minute routine and I felt legit. I updated my calendar for the next six weeks and in my mind, I finally realized that not only was I going to do this, but I might even finish it as a sane, coherent person able to walk through the parks afterwards. I went to bed that night feeling good. And I woke up Monday morning feeling like the tin man without his oil can. I could hardly walk or bend at my hip. There was a knot there as big as a lemon...ok maybe the size of a quarter, but you could definitely feel it. While I was definitely bummed and scared for what having a running injury might do for my training, I was also a little proud. This meant I had actually been working my body passed it's comfort zone; that my body was in fact reacting to having to run and being pushed to do something other than eat, sleep, chauffeur children and the occasional step workout (AKA stepping on the scale to see how much a sedentary lifestyle can afford you.)
It was also my body telling me that she was pissed that I didn't stretch properly. That's the major pointer you get when starting to run. Everything I read or heard about running was that you needed to stretch afterwards. And while I'm realizing the ramifications of ignoring that very valuable pointer, you also have to understand that when I finished my first mile ever, I was just so happy to have accomplished that that stretching was the last thing from my mind. And it's been that way ever since. I'm so excited to come in the door and tell my husband that I ran two miles without stopping or that I ran four miles and didn't die! Every time I run farther I can't wait to talk about it that stretching just takes a back seat. But lesson learned. Lesson learned. I spent all last week not running, "resting" and loading up on ibuprofen and muscle relaxers and having nightmares that the mickey golf cart was picking me up because I was crawling down main street due to my lack of stretching. Lesson learned.
I have also learned this week the valuable lesson of fueling your body, especially for a long run. I do my long runs on Sundays. Yesterday we were granted the opportunity to go to the movies, a luxury we are rarely afforded now, so we went. (Side note: we saw "The Fighter". So good! Christian Bale might have had the greatest acting performance of anyone...EVER. Amy Adams turned me into a true fan, and I've not liked Marky Mark so much since he was modeling his undies for CK.)
When we go to the movies, we substitute all of our meals for the day for the bucket of popcorn. Totally worth it in my opinion. Not worth it however, if you're planning on running 7 miles when you get home. I made it 2.5 miles before gagging up popcorn kernels and spending the rest of the night in the bathroom. Again, lesson learned.
So here we are, 5 weeks away from embarking on a mission that will forever change my life. I feel pretty good. Scared still, but good. I continue to rely on others advice and words of encouragement and motivation from other blogs and my husband. So thank you to those of you who have made time to message me or write your words of encouragement on THE facebook wall. It means more than you know and really helps on days that I want to be a stationary hermit.
Quote of the Day: Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined.- Henry David Thoreau
Song of the Day: Absence of Fear - Jewel

Day 73: Playlist for the Weird

If you haven't noticed by now I am a highly emotional and sensitive person. I mean that in the best and worst way possible. While I enjoy being moved to tears by the Biggest Loser and Intervention and things like my son telling me that "I look bootiful" on a day that I haven't even had time to brush my teeth, I don't enjoy crying for no particular reason. And I do sometimes. Some of it I can attribute to being overly sensitive to things. For the rest I can thank my fickle battle with depression I've had since I was 15. Yes sometimes I wake up and despite my best efforts at being positive, happy, and thankful for all of God's blessings that he's bestowed upon us, my body and my mind are just sad. I've learned to live with it over the last decade and have found ways to cope. One of those ways is music. I am astounded at the power of music. And this is coming from someone who doesn't listen to the radio. I love my cds, my ipod, and my itunes. Without them, I would be lost, unable to find motivation on one of those said days that I just can't get it together. The same can be said for running. I can. not. do. it. without my ipod.
They suggest for the Princess Half Marathon that you don't use headphones; that there will be "entertainment" along the race route to keep you motivated. Now while I'm excited as all get out to see Pirates and Tinkerbell and Cinderella handing me water and listening to the Disney bands on that day, I know once I get out of the Magic Kingdom and start mile 7-13 on the Florida highway the only way my legs are going to keep moving is if I've got my ipod going. And the only time those headphones are coming off is when I get to see my family and/or the finish line...god willing.
Last night, as I ran through snow filled streets (first time ever) I realized how funny my playlist is. Someone asked me once what kind of music I listened to while running and I was kind of embarrassed. But now, I've embraced it. Because it's what works for me. It made me realize that while I'm pushing for my body to become more physically fit, it's still being driven by pure emotion. I cry on just about every run, according to what song I'm listening to. So I thought I would share my playlist in lieu of the song of the day. Enjoy, either the song or the fact that I indeed run to it.

If I Had A Million Dollars - Bare Naked Ladies
Go The Distance - Disney's Hercules
Clocks - Coldplay
Dancing Nancies - Dave Matthews
Bellas Lullaby - Twilight
In My Life - Beatles
Empire State of Mind - Jay Z
Halo - Beyonce
Seasons of Love - RENT
Least Complicated - Indigo Girls
Love's Recovery - Indigo Girls
I Miss You - Blink 182
No One - Alicia Keys
Don't Stop Believin - Journey
Carry on Wayward Son - Boston
Wave on Wave - Pat Green
Defying Gravity - WICKED
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park
Let It Be - Beatles
One - U2
Claire De Lune - Twilight
Fix You - Coldplay
Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo

Quote of the Day: I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music. - George Eliot

Day 68: All I got

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. - Mahatma Ghandi

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle

Song of the day, the night, the middle of the night, and everywhere in between: Fix You - Coldplay

Lyrics:

When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you can't replace 
When you love someone but it goes to waste 
Could it be worse? 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below 
When you're too in love to let it go 
But if you never try you'll never know 
Just what you're worth 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

Tears stream down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Tears stream down your face 
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face

And I 
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

Day 64: I was just kidding.

So I'm going to recant my last posting. I feel like it didn't accurately portray my true feelings towards the new year and my resolutions. One could argue that I came off crabby and indifferent to this holiday. That's because at the time, I was. But in fact, I'm actually quite fond of this time of year. Especially after the challenge of the last two weeks.
I struggled with whether or not to write about this. But this is how Christmas affected my Jack, and therefore how it affected our family. And this is my journal, so to speak, about my life, my triumphs, and the difficult times. So I'm going to write about it.
Last Christmas, Jack didn't enjoy it. And as a result, I didn't either. Only because once you have kids, Christmas becomes about them (and the baby Jesus, I know.) But really you look forward to building all of those precious memories you had as a child; with the presents, the decorations, the singing and shopping, and recreating those with your own children. It's one of those things you daydream about during pregnancy. But sometimes, for whatever reason, for your child, whether there is trauma, a broken family, or like us, a child with autism or a special need, Christmas can be difficult. Last Christmas was a heart breaker. Jack didn't speak. He didn't know his sign language. He didn't play with or like any toys...like ANY toys at all. And he couldn't grasp the concept of Christmas. And when he gets overstimulated, he shuts down, i.e. hides in the closet and cries. And he had one of his worst experiences over the holiday break. But this last year, Jack has come so far in his development. He learned sign language that led him to speak in September. He learned how to count, learned his ABCs, he went to school and became much more social than I ever believed possible. So I was really getting excited for the possibility of having a much more enjoyable Christmas for Jack. But alas, we learned Christmas Eve night that the over stimulation, from the tree, the lights, the noise, the presents, and all of the excitement was going to be too much for him. I'll spare you the details of the five or six days that followed. Just know that he spent alot of time in the closet and if anyone asked if he wanted a present he replied with a cry of "NO CHRISTMAS! NO CHRISTMAS!" There are still presents under our tree that he didn't unwrap. It made me sad. And it made his dad sad. And I think it made his little brother sad. And it made me want Christmas to hurry up and come to an end.
So that's the reason for the crabbiness. While a good excuse, an excuse none the less. And BAM! there goes my new years resolution already of having no excuses! See how easy that is? SO I'm writing a new new years blog. I'm not deleting the last one because at the time, that's how I felt. And I always said I would not apologize for nor edit my words in this blog. So after a deliberate boycott of new years resolutions, I've decided to celebrate the new year's coming. And greet it as an opportunity to reignite the fire in which this blog and journey started.
I'm pretty excited for what this new year holds. For Jack, he starts a big boy school three days a week. On MWF, he will attend the Early Childhood Education Center (hold on, I need to shut my door so my boys can't hear mommy weeping). On Tuesday and Thursday, he will attend the Autism Center in the a.m., occupational during lunch, and spend the afternoons at Ole Miss for speech therapy. I couldn't be more excited for him. For little George, he starts Mommys Day Out two days a week. I couldn't be more excited for mommy. For Jon, well this is my journal and I'm sure he would appreciate his business to be kept his business. (WSOP!!) We are selling our house and buying a new one. Next month, we are spending our first night away from our boys. (I love you mammie and I really will keep my phone on all night so if you try to call at 1 am and I don't answer it's probably just because we get terrible reception in Meridian :))
And finally, for me, I don't, for the first time in, oh I can't remember when, have to begin the new year with making a promise to myself that I'm going to start running and become healthy. Because after 2 1/2 months, I'm still doing it! Although I took a few detours the last couple of weeks, I'm still on course to be able to finish my first half-marathon February 27. And in retrospect, I've learned two very important tools that have helped me to stick with it this time:
1) I told everybody I could. I blogged and facebooked it. This way, you really leave yourself no choice but to succeed, because what are you going to do? tell all of those people that you quit? that you failed? ummm no thanks. It sucked bad enough to tell myself that over the years. I couldn't imagine the self-loathing that would result from me having to admit it to other people.
2) My goal was to be healthy, instead of skinny. Yes, losing weight will result from running religiously. And yes, I would like to lose weight. But I've wanted to lose weight for the last 6 or 7 years. And at times, I might have. But it always came back because I never had the right focus. So this time around, my only goal is to eat healthy and follow a running program. And weight loss is just a happy side effect. As is being happy, looking happy, and being proud of yourself for doing something the right way.
So I guess my new years resolution is to keep doing what I'm doing; Stick to my running program and make healthy eating choices, which is what I still struggle with but it gets better every day. I'm going to keep a food journal. I'm going to track my calorie intake and outtake because, you know, that's what Bob and Jillian say to do. (Biggest Loser starts Jan. 14). I'm also going to make a daily effort at being positive and upbeat for the men in my life. (It really is true, if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy). And last but not least, I'm going to continue to take life one day at a time.
Quote of the Day: "So keep doing what you're doing...but ask yourself this: Are you ready for a throwdown?" - Bobby Flay (I don't know why, it was just on my mind at the time. Maybe another resolution should be for me to lay off the food network a little.)
Song of the Day: Least Complicated - My girls, Indigo