My Girly Parts

Have you heard the new Bruno Mars song? "When I was Your Man"- I love it. It speaks to my girly parts. I'm speaking of course of my heart (get your mind out of the gutter). I love the tune and the melody, but the lyrics speak to me on an intimate level. Not because I have an ex out there who I secretly hope feels this way. Ok yeah I do, but the reason I love it is because it speaks to that part of me that hopes to have no regrets in the future. I have many regrets about my past. Some people say, "I have no regrets, you just learn from your mistakes." Quite frankly, I think they're full of shat. I don't want to look at my past failures or bad decisions fondly and turn them into a lovely blemish on the face of reality. They were and still are, a pain in my ass. But a pain that I welcome because it reminds me of where I've been and where I'm going and how to get there without ending up in therapy or rehab or jail or the doghouse. While I'm thankful and happy about where my life has led me in the present day, there are many things that I wish I had done differently. Things I wish I had done and not done at all.

I'm a vibrant, young 35. And by God I don't want to be 45 and think, 'man I really wish I would have gotten in shape when I was 35. Man, I really wish I wasn't still wearing maternity pants even though my youngest is 10. Man, I wish I could have kicked that donut and Mountain Dew habit.' And because I think about this daily, because I constantly tell myself that I don't want to be 45 or even 35 and a half and wish I had been able to do it, that today, May 10, I've been doing it for a month and a half. I'm in shape...err better shape, no maternity pants, and my lips haven't experienced the sweet ecstasy of a Shipley's anything in more than 2 menstrual cycles. I'm down 15 pounds, I'm planking without falling, and I've successfully trained for the gum tree without a doubt that I'll finish and finish strong. Tomorrow will be the first race that I wasn't scared of not finishing, and that feels freakin awesome. The only thing left to fear is the heat, the weather, and turning down drinks that are not water from my many peeps that will be lounging in their front yards on the course.

This race is kind of a big deal for me. It's only the second time I've run it. The first was 2010. I was depressed, overweight, and just lost. We were in the middle of dealing with Jack's many a diagnoses and George was 6 months old and I struggled with enjoying his time as a baby and analyzing his every move: how was his eye contact? his mobility? his facial expressions? It was a bittersweet time and I resented the fact that I couldn't fully enjoy the act of raising a newborn due to my fear and expectations of a disorder that I was just learning about. So when May rolled around, I decided one morning, on a whim, to register for the Gumtree. I hadn't been walking, much less running. But I needed to do something. Something to snap myself out of the black hole that I was inhabiting. I made the decision to do it pushing both the boys in the double stroller- for 2 reasons: to use them as my motivation and inspiration, and in the hopes that people would say "aww, look at her pushing her boys, it's ok that she came in last." (I didn't actually come in last. There were some sweet old ladies who had survived cancer together who walked across that finish line with me). But that day set forth in motion the long, sweet and sucky journey that led me to running half-marathons and blogging about the mess that is my life. So tomorrow will be a culmination of the last three years. I won't be afraid of not finishing. (I hope) I won't be afraid of running in the daylight where people can see me. I hope the cute cops on McCollough will cheer me on for that last mile. And to top it all off, I get to do it with my sister. My best friend. My mule.

SO when you hear that Bruno Mars song, think to yourself, "I'm gonna do all the things I should have done- in life". Screw the man. I bet he didn't give flowers or hold the hand of the next girlfriend either, dumbass. That's why you're the ex.

Quote of the Day: "A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams."- John Barrymore

Song of the Day: "Hurt" - Johnny Cash