Day 85: Last Week spent on the IR

Hey peeps!  I did not realize it had been over a week since my last post. Thanks for caring enough to see that I was alive and still at it. Last week I came down with the bursitis. (Yes, THE bursitis, like THE walmart, THE facebook, that's how I talk yo.) I did my long run last Sunday and felt great. 5.5 miles with my run 10 minutes/walk 1 minute routine and I felt legit. I updated my calendar for the next six weeks and in my mind, I finally realized that not only was I going to do this, but I might even finish it as a sane, coherent person able to walk through the parks afterwards. I went to bed that night feeling good. And I woke up Monday morning feeling like the tin man without his oil can. I could hardly walk or bend at my hip. There was a knot there as big as a lemon...ok maybe the size of a quarter, but you could definitely feel it. While I was definitely bummed and scared for what having a running injury might do for my training, I was also a little proud. This meant I had actually been working my body passed it's comfort zone; that my body was in fact reacting to having to run and being pushed to do something other than eat, sleep, chauffeur children and the occasional step workout (AKA stepping on the scale to see how much a sedentary lifestyle can afford you.)
It was also my body telling me that she was pissed that I didn't stretch properly. That's the major pointer you get when starting to run. Everything I read or heard about running was that you needed to stretch afterwards. And while I'm realizing the ramifications of ignoring that very valuable pointer, you also have to understand that when I finished my first mile ever, I was just so happy to have accomplished that that stretching was the last thing from my mind. And it's been that way ever since. I'm so excited to come in the door and tell my husband that I ran two miles without stopping or that I ran four miles and didn't die! Every time I run farther I can't wait to talk about it that stretching just takes a back seat. But lesson learned. Lesson learned. I spent all last week not running, "resting" and loading up on ibuprofen and muscle relaxers and having nightmares that the mickey golf cart was picking me up because I was crawling down main street due to my lack of stretching. Lesson learned.
I have also learned this week the valuable lesson of fueling your body, especially for a long run. I do my long runs on Sundays. Yesterday we were granted the opportunity to go to the movies, a luxury we are rarely afforded now, so we went. (Side note: we saw "The Fighter". So good! Christian Bale might have had the greatest acting performance of anyone...EVER. Amy Adams turned me into a true fan, and I've not liked Marky Mark so much since he was modeling his undies for CK.)
When we go to the movies, we substitute all of our meals for the day for the bucket of popcorn. Totally worth it in my opinion. Not worth it however, if you're planning on running 7 miles when you get home. I made it 2.5 miles before gagging up popcorn kernels and spending the rest of the night in the bathroom. Again, lesson learned.
So here we are, 5 weeks away from embarking on a mission that will forever change my life. I feel pretty good. Scared still, but good. I continue to rely on others advice and words of encouragement and motivation from other blogs and my husband. So thank you to those of you who have made time to message me or write your words of encouragement on THE facebook wall. It means more than you know and really helps on days that I want to be a stationary hermit.
Quote of the Day: Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined.- Henry David Thoreau
Song of the Day: Absence of Fear - Jewel

Day 73: Playlist for the Weird

If you haven't noticed by now I am a highly emotional and sensitive person. I mean that in the best and worst way possible. While I enjoy being moved to tears by the Biggest Loser and Intervention and things like my son telling me that "I look bootiful" on a day that I haven't even had time to brush my teeth, I don't enjoy crying for no particular reason. And I do sometimes. Some of it I can attribute to being overly sensitive to things. For the rest I can thank my fickle battle with depression I've had since I was 15. Yes sometimes I wake up and despite my best efforts at being positive, happy, and thankful for all of God's blessings that he's bestowed upon us, my body and my mind are just sad. I've learned to live with it over the last decade and have found ways to cope. One of those ways is music. I am astounded at the power of music. And this is coming from someone who doesn't listen to the radio. I love my cds, my ipod, and my itunes. Without them, I would be lost, unable to find motivation on one of those said days that I just can't get it together. The same can be said for running. I can. not. do. it. without my ipod.
They suggest for the Princess Half Marathon that you don't use headphones; that there will be "entertainment" along the race route to keep you motivated. Now while I'm excited as all get out to see Pirates and Tinkerbell and Cinderella handing me water and listening to the Disney bands on that day, I know once I get out of the Magic Kingdom and start mile 7-13 on the Florida highway the only way my legs are going to keep moving is if I've got my ipod going. And the only time those headphones are coming off is when I get to see my family and/or the finish line...god willing.
Last night, as I ran through snow filled streets (first time ever) I realized how funny my playlist is. Someone asked me once what kind of music I listened to while running and I was kind of embarrassed. But now, I've embraced it. Because it's what works for me. It made me realize that while I'm pushing for my body to become more physically fit, it's still being driven by pure emotion. I cry on just about every run, according to what song I'm listening to. So I thought I would share my playlist in lieu of the song of the day. Enjoy, either the song or the fact that I indeed run to it.

If I Had A Million Dollars - Bare Naked Ladies
Go The Distance - Disney's Hercules
Clocks - Coldplay
Dancing Nancies - Dave Matthews
Bellas Lullaby - Twilight
In My Life - Beatles
Empire State of Mind - Jay Z
Halo - Beyonce
Seasons of Love - RENT
Least Complicated - Indigo Girls
Love's Recovery - Indigo Girls
I Miss You - Blink 182
No One - Alicia Keys
Don't Stop Believin - Journey
Carry on Wayward Son - Boston
Wave on Wave - Pat Green
Defying Gravity - WICKED
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park
Let It Be - Beatles
One - U2
Claire De Lune - Twilight
Fix You - Coldplay
Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo

Quote of the Day: I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music. - George Eliot

Day 68: All I got

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. - Mahatma Ghandi

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle

Song of the day, the night, the middle of the night, and everywhere in between: Fix You - Coldplay

Lyrics:

When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you can't replace 
When you love someone but it goes to waste 
Could it be worse? 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below 
When you're too in love to let it go 
But if you never try you'll never know 
Just what you're worth 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

Tears stream down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Tears stream down your face 
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face

And I 
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

Day 64: I was just kidding.

So I'm going to recant my last posting. I feel like it didn't accurately portray my true feelings towards the new year and my resolutions. One could argue that I came off crabby and indifferent to this holiday. That's because at the time, I was. But in fact, I'm actually quite fond of this time of year. Especially after the challenge of the last two weeks.
I struggled with whether or not to write about this. But this is how Christmas affected my Jack, and therefore how it affected our family. And this is my journal, so to speak, about my life, my triumphs, and the difficult times. So I'm going to write about it.
Last Christmas, Jack didn't enjoy it. And as a result, I didn't either. Only because once you have kids, Christmas becomes about them (and the baby Jesus, I know.) But really you look forward to building all of those precious memories you had as a child; with the presents, the decorations, the singing and shopping, and recreating those with your own children. It's one of those things you daydream about during pregnancy. But sometimes, for whatever reason, for your child, whether there is trauma, a broken family, or like us, a child with autism or a special need, Christmas can be difficult. Last Christmas was a heart breaker. Jack didn't speak. He didn't know his sign language. He didn't play with or like any toys...like ANY toys at all. And he couldn't grasp the concept of Christmas. And when he gets overstimulated, he shuts down, i.e. hides in the closet and cries. And he had one of his worst experiences over the holiday break. But this last year, Jack has come so far in his development. He learned sign language that led him to speak in September. He learned how to count, learned his ABCs, he went to school and became much more social than I ever believed possible. So I was really getting excited for the possibility of having a much more enjoyable Christmas for Jack. But alas, we learned Christmas Eve night that the over stimulation, from the tree, the lights, the noise, the presents, and all of the excitement was going to be too much for him. I'll spare you the details of the five or six days that followed. Just know that he spent alot of time in the closet and if anyone asked if he wanted a present he replied with a cry of "NO CHRISTMAS! NO CHRISTMAS!" There are still presents under our tree that he didn't unwrap. It made me sad. And it made his dad sad. And I think it made his little brother sad. And it made me want Christmas to hurry up and come to an end.
So that's the reason for the crabbiness. While a good excuse, an excuse none the less. And BAM! there goes my new years resolution already of having no excuses! See how easy that is? SO I'm writing a new new years blog. I'm not deleting the last one because at the time, that's how I felt. And I always said I would not apologize for nor edit my words in this blog. So after a deliberate boycott of new years resolutions, I've decided to celebrate the new year's coming. And greet it as an opportunity to reignite the fire in which this blog and journey started.
I'm pretty excited for what this new year holds. For Jack, he starts a big boy school three days a week. On MWF, he will attend the Early Childhood Education Center (hold on, I need to shut my door so my boys can't hear mommy weeping). On Tuesday and Thursday, he will attend the Autism Center in the a.m., occupational during lunch, and spend the afternoons at Ole Miss for speech therapy. I couldn't be more excited for him. For little George, he starts Mommys Day Out two days a week. I couldn't be more excited for mommy. For Jon, well this is my journal and I'm sure he would appreciate his business to be kept his business. (WSOP!!) We are selling our house and buying a new one. Next month, we are spending our first night away from our boys. (I love you mammie and I really will keep my phone on all night so if you try to call at 1 am and I don't answer it's probably just because we get terrible reception in Meridian :))
And finally, for me, I don't, for the first time in, oh I can't remember when, have to begin the new year with making a promise to myself that I'm going to start running and become healthy. Because after 2 1/2 months, I'm still doing it! Although I took a few detours the last couple of weeks, I'm still on course to be able to finish my first half-marathon February 27. And in retrospect, I've learned two very important tools that have helped me to stick with it this time:
1) I told everybody I could. I blogged and facebooked it. This way, you really leave yourself no choice but to succeed, because what are you going to do? tell all of those people that you quit? that you failed? ummm no thanks. It sucked bad enough to tell myself that over the years. I couldn't imagine the self-loathing that would result from me having to admit it to other people.
2) My goal was to be healthy, instead of skinny. Yes, losing weight will result from running religiously. And yes, I would like to lose weight. But I've wanted to lose weight for the last 6 or 7 years. And at times, I might have. But it always came back because I never had the right focus. So this time around, my only goal is to eat healthy and follow a running program. And weight loss is just a happy side effect. As is being happy, looking happy, and being proud of yourself for doing something the right way.
So I guess my new years resolution is to keep doing what I'm doing; Stick to my running program and make healthy eating choices, which is what I still struggle with but it gets better every day. I'm going to keep a food journal. I'm going to track my calorie intake and outtake because, you know, that's what Bob and Jillian say to do. (Biggest Loser starts Jan. 14). I'm also going to make a daily effort at being positive and upbeat for the men in my life. (It really is true, if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy). And last but not least, I'm going to continue to take life one day at a time.
Quote of the Day: "So keep doing what you're doing...but ask yourself this: Are you ready for a throwdown?" - Bobby Flay (I don't know why, it was just on my mind at the time. Maybe another resolution should be for me to lay off the food network a little.)
Song of the Day: Least Complicated - My girls, Indigo

Day 58: Happy No New Years Resolution Day!

I've been thinking long and hard about the upcoming new year. Will I make a new year's resolution? I'm thinking not. Here's why:
1. I've never kept one. Ever. And I don't know many people who have. It's the most wonderful time of the year where people set unrealistic goals for themselves and become couch ridden with depression come mid February when they haven't lost 5 of those 20 pounds and their skinny jeans are still hanging in the same spot in the closet. Where they've been for 7 years.
2. There is no "new" you. There is only a better you. I hear people say "I've always felt like a skinny girl in a fat girl's body." I don't understand this notion. I've always felt like a moderately overweight girl in a moderately overweight girl's body who was out of shape, angry, and unhappy. The wrapping will always match the package.
3. I started this journey back in October so come January, I wouldn't have to fool with this crap.
What I do need is a "rededication". (No offense to the southern baptists.) During the last two weeks I haven't completely gone off the wagon, (or is it on the wagon?) I never went longer than 5 days without a run. But I've completely abandoned my program. And abandoned any resemblance of a healthy eating standard. Yes it was the holidays but still, no excuses; Which is my new motto by the by. Last night I ran for three miles. But it was a tough 3, which it should not have been, obviously. My breathing was hard, I could never find my rhythm, and oh, I PUKED. Which I'm kind of proud of but I felt like it was my body saying make up your ever loving mind: either be a healthy person and eat right and run or don't be and every time you do run it's going to suck donkey balls.
I woke up yesterday morning needing some mega motivation. I had cupcakes and beer the night before, both in less than moderation. I needed forgiveness and motivation. I was in front of the computer. I typed in inspiration for runners. I came across a website "bendoeslife.com". If you have time, then do it. This guy lost 120 pounds in one year, all from running. It was awesome. He has a blog and does web videos. (I think there's a cooler name for those but I'm still not tech savvy enough to know.) His motto is: if you want to do something, then do it. Simple I know, but isn't this really the "secret" that we're all looking for? As I was browsing/crying thru his journal, I came across another blog: jonathandoeslife. Lo and behold, this guy is from Starkville, has the same birthday as I do (not important but serendipitous things tickle me) and just ran his first marathon. Needless to say I found all the motivation I needed to clear my head of the excuses, the thoughts of failure and pessimism, and the ability to forgive myself for the pecan pies and cupcakes over the last 2 weeks and move forward.
So here we are 4 days before the new year. My goals are still in tact. My half-marathon is 9 weeks away. But my ultimate goal here is not the half-marathon. It's not to lose 20 more pounds (which...all right it is).
But it's ultimately to become the healthy, happy, "better" version of myself that I know would enjoy life so much more. The version of me that will be a better mother and wife. The version of me that doesn't open the closet door and hear the demonic voice taunting me from the corner where I keep the skinny clothes. Why don't I throw those out? They really have been there 7 years.
Quote of the Day: "Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing." - Abraham Lincoln
Songs of the Day: We Drank A Toast to Innocence - Dan Fogelberg (Best New Years Song hands down) AND Life - Our Lady Peace

Day 50: The Christmas Wish according to a Slacker

Hello friends. Long time no see. Yes I'm still here. No I haven't given up the good fight. Thank you for your inquiries. I've just been slacking. And at Disney World for a week. And fighting a house full of stomach viruses. And Christmas shopping and decorating. You know, the usual good excuses. But that's what they are at the end of the day...excuses.
The day after the Jingle Bell Jog we left for our week long Christmas trip to Disney. I was on my runner's high from the race. It felt good. It felt real good. I knew I would feel better on this trip than in year's past because I had been exercising, lost a little bit of weight and had been super productive for the last month and a half. I was also looking forward to being one of those people that I've always made fun of who go on vacation and go jogging in the morning. I mean, at Disney world you're walking at least 5 miles a day thru the parks. Why jog before you start that journey? This always perplexed me. And made me laugh. But this trip, I was actually looking forward to doing that; to running in the place where my big moment in February will take place.
And guess what? I didn't do it once. The day would come and go. I would think "I walked at least 5 or 6 miles today. I've got kids who are either asleep or dirty and need to be asleep. I have no time or need for jogging." So I didn't. And while at the time those excuses seemed completely valid and reasonable, it was still an excuse. We returned home on the 14th. Today is the 20th. I've jogged twice. Twice.
Over the last 3 days I've noted out loud the list of things that had to be accomplished for the day: Christmas presents, filling cupcake orders, baths, and a run. And the run just never comes. But I always have a good excuse. But it's still an excuse. And why is it that we can always make an excuse in the face of doing something that we know will make us feel good?
I've been obsessing over this thought for the last week. I just got to watch the season finale of Biggest Loser last night at 2 in the morning as I baked blueberry muffins for work parties. Best show on TV hands down. Year after year, it's the same story, yet I never tire of it. These people, while all under different circumstances, make the same poor choice to completely let themselves go. Every time I watch the show I think "I would never allow that to happen to me." But you know what? Those people said the same thing to themselves when they realized they were 50 pounds overweight. When they were 75 pounds overweight they said "Oh it's time for a change." When they reached 100 pounds overweight, they tried again to make a better choice. But couldn't. They always had an excuse. Whether valid ones or not, they're all still just excuses. And at some point, every person on that show has been at the same point that I'm currently at: 25 pounds overweight and trying to turn over a new leaf. And quite honestly, that scares the shat out of me. Why is it, that something I know will make me feel better, look better, and effect my entire family in a positive manner, takes a back row seat to everything else? Why is it so hard to make that a priority? Why is it so hard to eat oatmeal in the morning instead of doughnuts? Why is it that I'll exert more effort squeezing into the "dress up" girdle instead of just spending an extra 20 minutes exercising? Why is it that an hour of running is at the bottom of my to do list for the day? If I knew the answer to these questions and how to overcome it, I'd be rich, svelte, and  I would hold the key to the universal weight loss problem.
I said in one of my recent posts that I was enjoying running. I knew it felt funny when I wrote it but I just thought it was because it was still new to me. But as I read blogs and magazines and facebook updates about running, I realize that I don't love it. Not like these people do that run 7-10 miles a day. But my new found friend (and kindred spirit) Beth helped me to realize that I, in fact, don't enjoy running. But I really really like how it makes me feel afterwards; how I feel after I've completed a race or a weekend long run and when I've realized that I've met a milestone or goal or improved my time. These are the things that I enjoy, not the act of running itself. I'm wondering if that will come with time or is it all about the end effect?
Either way, I know I have to do it in order to A)succeed at my goal of completing a half marathon in February, and B)to lose weight, which I need to continue to do in order to complete task A and be happy with myself.
My philosophy has always been to take everything one day at a time; whether it's running, eating right, taking care of kids, or on the road to recovery. You start each day a new, with new goals, and a new mindset and don't worry about what happened yesterday. We can only change and be responsible for the present.
So my Christmas Wish this year, other than health, happiness, and world domination err peace, is to figure out why the hell we sabotage ourselves from reaching our fitness and weight loss goals. Or is it just me that does this? And my goal today is to put the run back at the top of my daily to do list. And I'm in a wicked meditative mood today so I'm throwing some extra quotes out there to ensure my personal success today.
Here's wishing you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and everything in between.
P.S. Do atheists celebrate Christmas? Just wondering
Quotes of the Day:
1. One day at a time - this is enough.  Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone: and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.  Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. - Ida Scott Taylor
2. Nothing is impossible; there are ways that lead to everything, and if we had sufficient will we should always have sufficient means. It is often merely for an excuse that we say things are impossible. - Francois De La Rochefoucauld
3. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. - My mother, and I'm sure every other southern baptist christian woman
Song of the Day: Wave on Wave - by Pat green

Day 36: Here Comes the Sun

 It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood today friend and I've got nothing but good things to report. No cussing, no complaining, no referencing porn stars or gross things. It's finally cold out, non-stop Christmas music is on the radio and I leave for the happiest place on earth in 3 days. So things are good in the hood today.
I want to thank everyone for last week's overwhelming show of support in the face of my debacle that was the Thanksgiving 5k err 10k run. I also want to say a huge Thank you to the members of the Tupelo Running Club. You were very patient and extremely kind and gracious to me and I continue to have nothing but the utmost respect and highest praise for you all.
So this week I received my first Christmas present of the year. A Garmin Forerunner watch. This thing keeps up with everything; distance, pace, course, heart rate. I'm pretty sure it will tell me when I need to pee if I could only figure out which button it was. I love it! I put that big sucker on my wrist and I felt like Magnum P.I. Up until this point, I've been relying on the Cardiotrainer program on my phone to record my distances and pace. While sometimes I've questioned the validity of the information it was recording, I've never really wanted to know because if it was off, it was always off to my advantage. Remember that 11 minute mile? Well, I decided Thursday evening to workout with both the watch and the phone so I could compare the results. After my first mile, I looked at my phone: 1 mile in 10.5 minutes. The Garmin watch: .75 miles in 10 minutes. Ugh. So there's that.
I continued my workout. I started to run while I planned out in my head the juicy email that I was going to send to the Cardiotrainer people. I mean, a quarter of a mile error range is pretty freaking, I mean, pretty stinking big! Especially when I know that come race day, if I can't stay below a 15 minute mile, that Mickey Mouse golf cart is going to come and "sweep" me off the course and I will not receive my Tiara medal and I will be piiissse...........sad. I will be sad. No cussing Lisa, no cussing.
I carried on, running/walking through the night. I stopped off at my parents house for a water break. My dad asks: "So Lisa, how far are you running non-stop?" I said a mile. He says "didn't you say the same thing when I asked you that 2 weeks ago?" I said yes.
I went back out on the road. Time is 10:02 at night. I tried again. To run. To run further than a mile and not feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. It's not my legs. My legs are good. It's the breathing. I'm completely out of breath at the end of a mile. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I began to cry. Not the ugly face cry. Just the sad, defeated cry. I began to think back to all of those articles I read by Jim Galloway. You know when you want to start something and you spend a month "researching" that thing so you'll have all the information you need to be successful and then you realize that you're really just using that as an excuse to put off that said thing you want to start and you realized you've procrastinated long enough that you don't even want to begin? I almost did that with the running. But I was thinking back to an article I read about building endurance. Jim Galloway said "If you can't hold a conversation when you're running, then you are going too fast."
My first instinct was, seriously Lisa, yeah YOU are going too fast. But then I decided to slow down. Slow way down. And you know what, I realized that this whole time, for the last six weeks, I've been  sprinting. bleeping sprinting. I am such. a. dope.
But guess what? I jogged for the next 3 miles.....without stopping. Me. Pretty face cry ensues. I could hear the Chariots of Fire music in my head. It then turned into the most awesome african-american gospel choir's version of "Oh Happy Day." I didn't get in until after 11 that night. I slept well. I had finally figured out how to run.
What made this revelation oh so sweeter was the fact that Saturday morning was the day of the Jingle bell Jog 5k. It preceded the Tupelo Christmas Parade so it was a big deal for me. I knew that there would be lots of people there on the race and parade route. My friends and family would see me and it would be the first actual race I've participated in since I began my journey as a runner. Before Thursday nights eureka moment, I was not looking forward to it. In fact, I had already begun my excuse building method. After the turkey trot fiasco, I just did not want to be embarrassed again. But now, armed with my realization that I can indeed run for a lengthy (for me) amount of time, I was excited.
Saturday morning I donned my Christmas socks and Santa Minnie hat and I jogged my first race. I jogged for 3 miles. I didn't come in last. I also didn't come in 1-50 to get my free ornament but I digress. I heard people cheer my name. My husband was there with his trusty movie camera. And my boys told everyone else there that "Momma won the race." I did indeed.
While I celebrate my mild achievement, I've also kept perspective this week. I had friends that completed the St. Jude marathon this weekend. Congratulations to all of you and thank you for being my inspiration and my heroes.
Quote of the Day: "Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going." - Jim Ryun who once held the world record for the fastest mile at 3:51.1
Song of the Day: Here Comes the Sun - the Beatles